Inconvenient Plot Devices
by DesertPaint
Summary: Before TFA hit theaters, every armchair fan theorist was complaining about Kylo Ren's weird lightsaber, but of course, we never saw any onscreen malfunctions. In my version, Kylo better learn how this thing works fast, otherwise he might go more Vader than he expected. Warnings: bit of a crackfic.


The fissure loomed menacingly between them, as likely to swallow them as to separate them. Rey scrambled to her feet, knowing she had little time. An attack might work now that he was off his guard, but she knew better than to trust a fleeting advantage. He had been unprepared for her control over force, but Kylo Ren was sure to defeat her quite handily now that she was out of surprises.

Kylo Ren stood, albeit unsteady because of his wounds. He touched the bleeding laceration on his face and frowned. _Yeesh_ , Rey cringed, _Good thing he has a mask 'cause even cybernetics don't go that far._

She could run, but there was no guarantee that Ren wouldn't backtrack to Finn's location if he lost her. She had to fight him. But it was all about buying time now… and waiting for assistance from a emotionally handicapped Wookie. Or maybe she could get Kylo Ren monologuing and wait for an ex machina from Finn. If he ever woke up. She grimaced. She was so dead. There was no way she was escaping this time. It was either join the First Order or die. After working for so many years to survive in a lethal desert wasteland, death wasn't really all that appealing-sounding. Of course she'd look like the lamest Jedi ever if she turned so quickly. She briefly considered the standing record on dark side converts. Who held the record? It was possibly the angsty hot mess standing in front of her at this very moment. Probably not with all things considered. Rey had only found her powers within the last twenty-four hours, so she would definitely top the list for most turnable Jedi. The First Order did have a certain avant-garde style, if she was being honest. During her tangential internal tirade, Kylo Ren whipped out his lightsaber. Rey cowered, waiting for him to leap across the divide and slice her in two.

There was a sizzling sound as the blade severed four fingers on his left hand.

"GOD DANGIT! Not again!"

Rey lifted her head and snuck a look at the now disfigured Ren. Smoke rose from the amputated fingers laying in the snow. In his attempt to complete a badass-looking saber flip, the crossguards had apparently nicked his hand.

"You're actually retarded." Rey deadpanned.

"This usually doesn't happen." He growled, "I can't see where I'm flipping the saber with all this blood in my eyes."

Rey snorted, "Oh yeah, it's the blood's fault."

"I'll have you know, I was on my high school color guard team. This is extremely unusual." Ren held up his botched limb for examination, twitching his thumb back and forth, the only remaining appendage on his hand.

Cursing, Kylo Ren threw down his saber and began to dig through a waistpack that Rey had earlier overlooked. The cheap rayon was spray-painted black with small letters on the strap that read: DARKSEID

He hissed, "I swear, if Hux stole the last Deathstar bandaid I'm going to force-push him off a cliff."

After a few seconds, Kylo Ren started to feel anxious. There was too much shit in the waistpack, it was impossible to find anything. Snoke had always advised him to organize it before battle, but like the hot-head he was, he had ignored him. In his panic, he began to toss his belongings into the snow. Rey watched as he angrily threw the keys to the TIE fighter at a tree.

"Did you ever think of maybe getting a normal lightsaber?" Rey suggested gently. "I mean, that's some hipster bullshit right there."

Ren sighed and appeared to slow the wild search for his prized deathstar bandaids. "Look, it wasn't even my idea. I was all for going with basic, original gear but every time I flip through a catalog with Snoke, he keeps guiltripping me into getting all this unwieldy rubbish."

Ren bared his teeth in pain and grasped a tree for support. Rey almost felt sorry for him before she remembered he straightup murdered his dad minutes prior. For the first time, Rey was glad she didn't have a family. Family dinners at the Solo house must have been a nightmare. Han and his outlaw buddies wouldn't have been the best role models for outstanding behavior. Kylo Ren had probably picked up his anger issues from Chewbacca and Leia became an absentee mother after the Empire fell in the midst of loudmouthed X-wing unions and PTSD ridden veterans.

"You wouldn't believe some of the stuff he's tried to get by me," Kylo Ren continued, "For months he was set on getting me a pet drexyl."

Ren began to imitate his master's voice, "None of the other creatures get such high reviews, Ky. So many of them get euthanized because of a breeding surplus. Besides, there a 20% off sale."

Then he went back to normal, "Snoke would always say every Darksider has their 'thing' you know? That I had to be unique somehow. Darth Plaugueis was like a neurosurgeon or whatever. Darth Maul was mixed race and Darth Sidious had terrible botox."

"You could always get a tattoo or even an earring." Rey interjected.

Ren nodded, "I thought about it; mom would have murdered me."

Rey thought back to Han's body, collapsing into the shadowy void and Chewbacca's tearful cry in the background. "You know," she said, "I don't think she would notice."


End file.
